Toxic Placebo

2004-07-13T17:38:00.000+08:00

Nova Catastrophe

Eating Nova multi grain snack (cheese flavoured chips) and drinking coke for lunch is a bad combination. Yesterday I was opting to watch a movie with some friends. We were hoping to catch the first screening. The first screening was scheduled at 11:30 till past 2 PM. So lunch was right smack in the middle of the screening. We were too hesitant to eat at food establishments around the vicinity because we might miss the first showing. I was also too hesitant to order take out because eating it inside the movie house is troublesome. So instead for lunch I bought a large bag of Nova and a large plastic cup of Coke. The repercussions of what I had for lunch hit me hard after dinner. Yep, you guest it right. MY stomach was doing a coup d’ etat. I was squirming all night inside the bathroom. And fearing that I again be dehydrated and suffer a terrible migraine I forced myself to drink Gatorade. I had 6 bottles of Gatorade. I was in pain all night. With this lesson learned never again will I take it upon myself to skip a full meal and settle for chips and carbonated drinks.

Book Mania

Being bored for the past weeks and trying to forget a hell spawned relationship rather than mope around and waste away pinning for that good for nothing cockroach I call my ex (yeah the break up was bloody as hell) I decided to enrich my vocabulary and knowledge instead. I decided to read three books. Two books I haven’t read before, while the other one a copy of a book I already read in the past but want to read again. And I promised to give a book review of the books I have read. So here goes:

Sophie’s World written by Jostein Gaardner and translated into English by Paulette Møller

The original book was written in Norwegian and translated into English to suite other readers. I consider it a good read. It’s about a fourteen-year-old girl named Sophie Amundsen. The setting of the book is in Norway. A typical student that has a best friend and pets. One day while checking out her mailbox she found two pieces of paper with such mind baffling questions: “who are you?” and “Where does the world come from?” The mysterious note came from a philosopher, who calls himself Albert Knox. With those two teasing and provoking question our heroine is born into a new light. Slowly her sleeping mind is awakened by the extraordinary circumstances she was brought into. She slowly wakes up to the wonder and inquiry, which we have lost through habits as we grow up to this jaded world. The description of the book is apt. It is a novel of philosophy. The introduction and discussion of philosophy was blended naturally into the story. And as our heroine Sophie slowly understands the importance of philosophy, she and Albert are caught up in a stump of philosophical enigmatic reality. The paperback by Phoenix Publishing is 436 pages long, though with only such a few page you will be engrossed with the tackled philosophy since the dawn of civilization till the present time. I highly recommend this book. I remember when I was reading this book for the first time my classmate gave me a scoff and told me off for reading such an abomination. Hearing him scold yours truly gave me a good laugh. This book is like the Matrix movie minus the overrated action moves.

Angels & Demons by Dan Brown

Another good book I have read. The story is about a Harvard Professor of Symbology, Robert Langdon receiving a call from the head of a Swiss research facility. A prominent scientist of the said facility was murdered his eyeball taken out and on his flesh a word was seared to his flesh. The word seared to his flesh gives evidence of the emergence of a secret brotherhood of ancient time. The Illuminati, a deadly force to reckon with. Having members both enigmatic and powerful. The enemy of long ago it seems wishes to fulfill their old vendetta against their age-old enemy, the Roman Catholic Church. On the eve of the conclave in which all the most powerful members of the Roman Catholic Church gathered to elect a new pope, a bomb was placed somewhere in Rome. Our Hero Robert Langdon must go around Rome and use his knowledge on symbols and philosophy to get into the location of the bomb. A book of mystery, which will leave you in awe as you turn every page. Every book turn will leave you hanging in suspense. It will also make you think because the book is based on FACTS! Yes, FACTS! I even studied some of the information on the book concerning history and philosophy. And some of the theological questions there are mind boggling it will shake you to the very core. A good read I must say and expect the unexpected, because the plot is full of twists and turns. Not recommended for the low IQ.

The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

Another book written by Dan Brown. The hero of this novel is also Robert Langdon. Our hero Robert Langdon is staying in Hotel Ritz Paris after a tiring lecture on symbology that day. In his sleep a phone call has woken him up. And the next minute a representative of the Direction Centrale Police Judiciaire, the French rough equivalent for the US Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) by the Philippines. His expertise was needed to help solve the murder of the curator by the famous Louvre Museum. On the body of the curator a baffling and enigmatic cipher was found. Langdon solving the riddle is stunned to discover that the riddle leads to various works of Da Vinci. Langdon teams up with an alluring French cryptologist, Sophie Neveu. Together they discover that the murdered curator has connections with the Priory of Scio, a real and ACTUAL secret society whose members in the past include Sir Isaac Newton, Botticelli, Victor Hugo, and Da Vinci, among other faces. The curator of Louvre sacrificed his life to protect the Priory of Scion’s greatest secret. A religious enigma they have safely protected in the past. With slowly solving various enigmas Langdon and Neveu must match wits with the Centrale Police Judiciaire and someone sent by the Opus Dei, a Roman Catholic sanctioned sect. Our heroes must race through time to know and protect the secret before they get lost forever in time. This book is also based on historically accurate facts. A real page-turner that will leave you gawking at your seat. Expect the unexpected. Think you know everything? Think again.

Movie Maniac

I’m done with the book reviews. If my lazy bum permits me so I’ll give a review of the movies I have seen lately. Namely Volta, Spiderman 2, Kill Bill Volume 2 and The Prince and Me.

how art? sir still alive and kicking sir!

2004-07-08T16:59:00.000+08:00
i can read and write too

i was reading "the da vinci code" and "angels & demons" by dan brown. those two are really good books. not recommnded for closed minded people. i'll give a full review next time on my post.

movie and life

i watched 3 movies. volta, spiderman and kill bill: volume 2. i'll give the reviews tom. (maybe)

life's a bitch and then we die

i'll just give a full update maybe tom. wahehehehe.

itsumo

2004-06-29T16:48:00.000+08:00
rain rain go away

the drizzly weather can make anyone sleepy in a matter of seconds. but with the state i am in now all i can do is sit on my bed and stare. contemplate on why things are happening now and just watch as all the events unfold helpless. i only sleep a dreamless sleep for 2 hours then wake up to reality. stress and grief is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. that what you thought as a nightmare is just you closing your eyes and thinking of reality. you thought you were have already forgotten the memory which you try so hard to bury. but as to what you often bury to the deapest depths of your soul they always have a way to dig themselves up from the nooks and crevices you were trying to hide them in. they will silently dig themselves up. unknown to you they slowly crawl themselves up and stab you and make you remember. it can happen to you when you least expect it. and when all the memories seeps in it will consume you to the very core. it will flow through your blood and stop you in your tracks. it can happens to everyone. it's happening to me now.

you and me equals we

i missed her and i missed her voice. and now we got to talk. it was good. just like old times. we talked for about 2 hours over the phone. it was like how i remember it. she hasn't changed at all. her voice like a song of a muse which has the power to both alarm and disarm you. her words an alogarithm which will make you laugh with her wits and think at the same time. how i missed how she stimulates my senses and challege my intellect. i missed her and how she affects my very being. but now she's back.

bookworm paulo

after being addicted to ragnarok online i have abandoned the joys and wonders of reading a good book. but with the recent turn of events i have began my quest to again enrich my vocabulary. alot of my friends recommended me to read "the da vinci code" by dan brown. it was recommended to me by five friends on different occassions. i'm already near the ending of the book. i'll give a critique after i read it. i'll also give a critique of volta which i watched last week. hihihihihi.

mall rats

i was in the mall today and the strong winds were putting on power failures every now and then. i was with mark, brian and jafet. for lunch i was with brian lang. it was good. we ate at the chinese restaurant where i usually have my lunch. (tough luck, he gave me the option to choose where. and he was just following me around and we were going up and down the floors and he wouldn't budge so i had to choose where we would eat soon or we will end up circling the mall for the whole day. it was good. while the lights were out and the power hasn't come back yet we were able to talk and just chill. sometimes a good conversation is enough to make you change what you think of a person. it happened to me today. people sometimes surprises you in the most unexpected ways.

so little time so much to do i'd rather spend my days with you

2004-06-26T20:27:00.000+08:00
a friend in need's a friend indeed

i was out with my friend, bogz, today. it was nice. he's a good person. he puts up through all my whining and bitching. which is good. thanks to you man. you are always there for me even though you don't know what my problems are. those gifts are rare and cannot easily be found in friends. genuine concern. this i am proud to say. i have only but a few friends but i cherish them and keep them and give them the best. i will fight for them and stick up for them regardless of things.

hospital scrubs

during the afternoon i was with my mom and dad. we went to the hospital. my mom had an abdominal hysterectomy about 1 year ago and she constantly visits her gynecologist. while i was there a nurse was dropping off hints and wanting to get in line first i flirted back. and damn! it works! she squeezed us in first. hahahaha. the pregnant women and the other patients were giving us a cold stare. but i don't give a rats ass. i'm already hungry and i want to go home.

gluttony

my parents and i had dinner at mcdonalds. i had spaghetti, chicken w/ gravy, rice, large fries w/ mayo, chocolate sundae and a large orange juice without the ice. now my tummy hurts like hell and i'm sure my tummy will do a coup d' etat.

The End and the Beginning of a New Era

2004-06-25T17:46:00.000+08:00
breaking the habit

i cant stand it anymore. so i decided to have lunch at McDonald's instead. i had chicken, spaghetti, rice and a large orange juice without the ice.

rebound

in pursuing relationships i tend to always wait for the move made towards me. yep. that's right. in a coward. i know. though i like this girl and i think she likes me too. the problem is that she drops hints and i think she wants me to do the first move. should i?

breaking the habit

3 days of not playing Ragnarok Online. maybe i'll ask my cousin "paolo" to take over for me. my little cousin has been pestering me so he can play my character. wahehehehe. i think he will treat my character right. we have the same name though spelled differently. uhm. i don't see the connection there.

markie thank you

thanks to my kind hearted friend who promised to help me fix my blog. thank you.

bored and floored

sorry if my entries now seems to be dry and boring. nothing worthwhile happened today.

From the Ashes of my Downfall Shall Rise the Empire of my Success

2004-06-24T16:10:00.000+08:00
it makes me puke but i still eat there

i have been having lunch at the same restaurant and ordering the very same thing for the past weeks and the sight of the place revolts me. the aroma of the place makes me want to vomit and yet why do i find myself constantly eating there? why!? why!?

home alone

i was left home alone last saturday. my mom went to her dermatologist to have her facial treatment and sea weed mask while enjoying a massage. my dad on the other hand went to the service station to get our TV which he brought there 3 days ago for repairs. i was left all alone and i had the whole house to myself. i was walking around in the nude. fiddling with the computer on the nude. had lunch on the nude. went out to the backyard on the nude! it was so damn funny the dog came running towards me wagging his tail. and i was looking at my dog funny and telling her "do you want to see me wag my tail?" yep. my perversion has gone to new heights with raised up limitations.

friendly friendster

wow. i'm starting to appreciate it. now i can find out how people whom means a lot to me are doing. and now i have added someone special to me to it. someone whom i wasn't able to talk with but i miss her terribly. things were said and done in the past but i want to make up for it. i asked her i could do a testimony for her and she said. i have sent this testimony to her and i hope she would approve it. here's the testimony:

she's someone i cannot forget for her rare smile is etched on my face and i miss her terribly.

she's my kelly. she's my lydia. she is everything i want her to be.

her beauty is matched by her wits. anyone who would see her talk will be mesmerized with her control of speech. her aura gives off a hint of mystery which will make you crave for more.

i remember how we first met. it was in first year high school. she was my seatmate adjacent to where i was sitting. we were having an exam on chemistry. we were supposed to covert temperature units from celsius to fahrenheit then from fahreheit to kelvin. i was looking at her test paper discreetly and seeing me do this. she quickly covered her paper. i smiled and told her "miss mali yung sagot mo sa number 4". i donÂt even know her name then. but her frown caught me of guard. and after the exam during recess i approached her and asked her name. that's the beginning.

i miss the way we go out and eat together. i miss how we go out and meet new people. i miss how we meet old faces on new places. i miss how we talk about the music, or how our day was and listen to each others rants. i missed how we talk about the weather and how we compare notes about a book we have read on a sunny day. i missed asking you how your brother llesner is doing. or how irene is right now. i missed how your mother answers the phone when i call. or how we talk about how your father practices zen buddhism. i missed how you can make me laugh or how you laugh with the things i say. may it be something witty or something rubbish that only you of all people in the world would understand.

i miss you. i miss being with you and now let me make it up to you.

i wish she would approve my testimony because that's what i feel.

the future as a result of the past

"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

that's my favorite expression now. fuck you! as recently i get pissed alot i tend to cuss more. i guess the reason why i cuss more is that the uncertainty of the future greatly bugs me. i guess when we decide or we let others decide basing it on the choices we have questions tend to still linger on our minds if the decision we made is indeed the right one or not. and questions of "did i do the right thing?" tends to jab itself on our stomach. i hope what happened was the right thing and what you did is right. because you made the decision for the both of us.

rebound speed round

i'm on the rebound. i'm on the prowl. i'm on the look out. i'm on the hunt and now i want to break free.

life overhaul

2004-06-18T18:11:00.000+08:00
Kaleidoscope World

So many faces, so many races
Different voices, different choices
Some are mad, while others laugh
Some live alone with no better half
Others grieve while others curse
And others mourn behind a big black hearse
Some are pure and some half-bred
Some are sober and some are wasted
Some are rich because of fate and
Some are poor with no food on their plate
Some stand out while others blend
Some are fat and stout while some are thin
Some are friends and some are foes
Some have some while some have most

Every color and every hue
Is represented by me and you
Take a slide in the slope
Take a look in the kaleidoscope
Spin it round, make it twirl
In this kaleidoscope world

Some are great and some a re few
Others lie while some tell the truth
Some say poems and some do sing
Others sing through their guitar strings
Some know it all while some act dumb
Let the bass line strum to the bang of the drum
Some can swim while some will sink
And some will find their minds and think
Others walk while others run
You can't talk peace and have a gun
Some are hurt and start to cry
Don't ask me how don't ask me why
Some are friends and some are foes
Some have some while some have most

after much badgering from friends who insist that i should be more active with friendster. funny thing. i only signed up to friendster upon the request of my friend markie. and after signing up on it i then abandoned it. wahehehe. another friend, dickens, said that markie should have said that, "i should sign up and become active." wahehehe. well, what can i say? i'm obedient and when markie told me to sign up for friendster that's what i did. i just signed up. wahehehe. i even used a fake surname for it and i didn't use my real surname and yet somehow people whom i know still have the means to locate my friendster account. i made the friendster account eons ago but right now i have a pile of "friends request" and i'm not doing anything to it. i'm not approving it or disproving it. i'm just leaving it as is. so far i only have a few people on my friends list. and at last after much badgering and pestering from friends i have decided to begin changing my friendster entries and loading up a picture for it. yes, i will load some pictures on it and who ever laughs at my pics shall face the wrath of my tongue! my pics which i am planning to upload are already finished but i'm still lazy to fix my friendster up. wahehehe. maybe i'll do it tomorrow. or maybe i still need a little push by my friends to do it. wahehehe.

i was talking to 3 friends this morning. i first ran into michelle and we gave updates on our lives. i was really clueless when she gave me updates on our common friends. and i was saying to myself "my god where was i living? under a rock?" and i was shocked by the news and updates she was giving me. she left because she had to go somewhere. i, in turn was about to go to the chinese restaurant where i always take lunch. when i was about to pick up my bag and to stand up from the cafe my attention was taken by karla. she said hello but we weren't able to chat much because she had to go to school. and when i was about to take off and go have lunch i ran into an old friend whom i haven't seen for a very long time. and she insisted i add her to freindster. wahehe. after lunch i was hanging out at the cafe and i saw brian and japet and the guy whom i still don't know the name. japet asked brian if he already approved him on friendster. this is the last draw. i'm going to sell myself out and take friendster more seriously. i need to catch up on the world!

hence this day forth i will crawl out of the cave to where i have secluded myself on! i will be free! i will be free! hey world prepare for me! i'm going to join the kaleidoscope!

666

today is the sixth day i had lunch at the very same place like yesterday and the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that! and ordered the same food just like yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that. and i am telling you the site of the smell of the place is starting to make me vomit and puke! wahehehe. i'm not going to have lunch there tomorrow and on sunday. i'll have lunch at home. but come monday i'll again go and have lunch at that restaurant.

what pushes me to do this stupid pledge? i don't know.

something old, something new, something borrowed something blue.

i'm planning to change the lay out of this blog. and being an html ignoramus i have enlisted the help of some of my friends! thank you guys in advance! my boat will sink without you guys! at least when my boat sinks now i'm with you guys so when we sink we sink together! wahehehe.

Crawling

2004-06-17T17:50:00.000+08:00
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming
Confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream.

i was really pissing everyone today. i was at the cafe as usual pinning and sulking my existence away. i was having a bad week. not to mention yesterday. it was so awful i hyperventilated and had an asthma attack and i wasn't able to sleep last night. so i vented out all my frustrations with my friends. what i did to torture them was i this, i was singing "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream." in such a pitched voice. it was driving all the people at the cafe crazy. wahehehehe. i felt like crap today but my two friends brian and bogz who where with me at the cafe made my day bearable. thank you guys. even if you don't know what my problems are you are there to cheer me up. on the lighter side i met those guys whom i was conversing with for the past few days. and again we had small talks. they would leave for a few minutes. then come back again. and yes, i'm a wuss because i wasn't able to ask their names again for the 'nth time. well maybe i'll ask brian if they know their names.

Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

5th day at the chinese resto

yes. it's my 5th day of ordering the same food at the very same restaurant. all the waiters know me already. when they approach me to take my orders they would simply ask "same order sir?" wahehehehe. until when can i survive with only eating the very same thing for lunch. though they looked surprised at me because before i left i ordered chinese stirred rice and iced tea for take out. and the 2 of the waiters and the manager flocked to me with a shocked face. asking why i was ordering something out of the convention which i usually order. to which i laughed and told them that the take out chinese food were for my friend gina. i know for a fact that gina loves eating that chinese stir fried rice. i hope she enjoyed her lunch. she should because the food was specially delivered by myself in my birthday suite! wahehehehehe.

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting
Reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in

Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure

when your happy and you know it burn your house

i really had a crappy day yesterday. i was so pissed all day that i wasn't able to sleep. i had an asthma attack and i was cussing my head off. i lack proper anger management. arrrgh. and when this happens i tend to say hurtful things to people who are causing me much pain. and the last thing that happened to me last night in ragnarok online is the last draw! to hell! my day yesterday started with my dragging myself off to bed, still lacking sleep. i needed to go to the hospital and settle some things. i waited for like an hour for the people whom i should meet to arrive it was so exhausting and the weather wasn't helping at all. it was too sunny then rain will pour out then the sun will scourge up the earth again. and when i was playing RO i was really pissed with the turn of events i ended up harassing and cussing ALOT of people. and the worst part is that i was cussing using the conventional pinoy term for "your mom is a whore" (tang ina). wahehehe. i don't usually use that cuss and word and yet i found myself using it last night with such venom and spite on my voice. i was starting to scare even myself. i guess i cant accept defeat from someone who has caused me so much pain. That's why i let loose last night like an angry elephant on the rampage.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall

Confusing what is realCrawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real

morally skewed

will you have sex with a *flaming hot* 30 year old who's already married if you had an opportunity?

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming
Confusing what is real
Its lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
Confusing what is real

remembering and forgetting

2004-06-15T20:22:00.000+08:00
beef stew, 2 orders of beef siomai and a glass of iced tea or pineapple juice minus the ice.

i cant believe i had lunch at the same chinese restaurant for three days straight. and the worst part is that i ordered the same meal since 2 days ago. the only thing i changed was pineapple juice minus the ice for today instead of the usual ice tea minus the ice. wahehehe. weird. and starting today i will make it a daily habit to eat at that restaurant every lunch until my guts spew out or my other personalities i kept hidden will come out and beat me to a pulp. wahehehe. tomorrow for my drinks i will order the old fashioned chinese tea. how long will i last?

you again?

while i was chilling at the cafe with my friends i met the two people whom i met yesterday. and yes, we had our usual chit chat. but the worst part is that i again failed to ask for their names. arrrgh. i'm such a poor bastard who's public relation skills need a full overhaul. though i don't know them they know me. they call me by the name my friends recently branded me with. my friends call me "blight" now. it's the screen name i use on RO. and even my friends who doesn't play RO call my by that name. weird. when they had to go they politely said "sige blight ingat ka" (okay blight, take care). i must remember to ask for their names when i see them tomorrow.

one step at a time

2004-06-14T19:48:00.000+08:00
i will move on one step at a time.

today was a very hectic day full of surprises. i had a therapist 2 years ago who told me that i had a problem letting go of things. i tend to over analyze things. to pin myself to the very cause of which makes me miserable. i over think things. i always dig my own grave. i tend to dig my own grave and stand over it, waiting... waiting for someone to push me in. when will i learn to let go.

arcenciel

arcenciel is french for rainbow.

i had a good row with a friend last march. it was a very vicious fight. we were having a row. with raised voices we were arguing our case. i felt betrayed and so did he. we were fighting over principles. both of us are right. right kind of wrong in a sense. we were both fighting for what he believed in. i was pissed for his betrayal and he was angry at me for not following him in the choice he made. i guess we were after the very thing we thought was right. our fight got our common friends involved. and the person affected the most was his best friend, who pledged loyalty to me. things were said and done that would probably end our friendship. but with a sudden twist of fate this morning i met him. i was sitting minding my own business when he approached me and said "hello". in response i just faced him and gave him a quizzical look as if trying to remember who he is. seeing my reaction he laughed and said "it's bad for you to hold grudges you know." this made me laughed. and as if on cue it was like old times. he was still a obnoxious self-centered jackass and so was i. i was giving him the sarcastic responses i could think of to which he had response to bring me down and make me laugh. we catch up on times. remembered things. and the weird part was we didn't mention what happened. why we were so mad at each other. it was settled by a simple question "are we okay?" it was good and it made my day.

iced tea in a chinese restaurant mixed with coffee

i met some old friends and new ones today. i missed seeing them. we met before lunch. catch up on old times then i had lunch at this quaint chinese restaurant. i missed eating at that place. then we went to the place where we always hang out. there were new faces and yet i still feel comfortable as if i truly belonged there. i met 7 people. 2 staffs of the cafe where i hang out and 5 customers just like i. it was fun. we talked and we just chilled and yet somehow we didn't ask each other our names. weird. but i'm sure i'll be seeing them tomorrow because the staff know them. now i have a threshold where i can just chill and do things at my own pace.

mask

last night i was talking to a friend and he told me that i am so secretive and that my mind is cannot be fathomed easily. i guess he's right. i tend to only be honest and real to my close friends. i have major trust issues. i tend to only reveal who i really am to my close friends and the only people who can hurt me is them. because they matter to me. what they say counts alot. weird. i have a freakishly good memory. i never forget things nor details quickly. that's why i have problems letting go. because i can still remember. and even though you thought you got over something, sometimes, even if you are thinking of something else the memory of what mortifies you will creep into your veins to your heart and mind. it will engulf you and make you remember, it will make you feel as if you were back to the lowest point of your life having a good memory is both a blessing and a curse. i remember johari's window. that there are four facets in our personality. 1) things you and the people around you know. 2) things that you know but people don't know about you. 3) things you don't know about you but people around you know. and 4) things you nor the people around you don't know. it makes me ask who am i really? i don't know. and when i ask the people around me they tend to give me different and sometimes contrary response. nyahahaha. i might be suffering from schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. or maybe both. the comment said to me last night by my friend made me remember a poem i read from chicken soup for the teenage soul. i read it like 7 years ago. i don't even own the book. it was just loaned to me by a friend and after reading it i returned it immediately and yet somehow i can still recall the poem by heart. i guess it really made an impression on me. i even recited that poem during speech class 2 years ago. and now i type it again. it's sad how i remember it well.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature to me,
but don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that confidence in my name and coolness is my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command,
and that I need one.
But don't believe me.
My surface my seem smooth but my surface
is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this, I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from a glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to play superficial phony games.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the bland stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.

Who am I, you may wonder.
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet,
and I am every woman you meet.

deverginized in the blogging world.

2004-06-13T23:21:00.000+08:00
i really don't know what i am doing. i guess recent events have made me look for an outlet for my frustrations. through my friends in real life and an online role playing game "philippine ragnarok online" that i should look for something to vent out my thoughts. they suggested that i drink my guts out. but what the heck. i don't drink. everytime i go out with friends they order beers while i drink juice. wahehehehe.

i really don't know what to do with this blog. i'm going to take a leaf out of a friend's book and follow the guidelines that he created for himself. no names should be mentioned.

i am in the lowest point in my life. i entered into depression a few years back and i never thought life would get any worst. well it has. and now in the midst of confusion i am trying to pick up the pieces of the shit that i was left with. i remember telling a friend who was in the same situation as i that life goes on. and all those crap. and yet here i am receiving the very advice i was giving them a few days ago. life really does have a funny way of biting us in the ass. and i dont mean that in a good way.

what's next? according to a friend "tomorrow's another day".